TheMentalist 6x22 Tag
by Galaxy19
Summary: Alternative conversation between Jane and Lisbon in the TSA holding room. One-shot.


"Did you mean what you said?" Her eyes flew to the the floor as if pulled by a magnetic force. Jane could see her tremble, toy with her hands, obviously embarrassed and nervous. Why wouldn't she be? This changed a lot, it was a big...thing.

"You don't have to do that anymore," After years of being deceitful, he wanted her to know the full truth, wanted her to know she could fully trust him and that there was no more dishonesty. With all his half-truths and lies, he was starting to confuse himself, let alone her.

"Yes I do." Her answer shocked him. Never in a million years had he expected that. He drew in a deep breath, mouth poised, ready to assure her, but after thought, he realised of course she had to. Of course she had to ask again. Last time he had taken it back, and it must have came across as something he regretted. If only she knew. He had left her again, for longer than ever, without telling her, without a proper goodbye. She had to learn to protect herself, protect her broken heart, and the only way she could do that was by shutting herself off from anything that came with a slight risk. But now she couldn't avoid it. Couldn't avoid him.

"Teresa, I promise you, there will never be a time when I say that and take it back, not again. Because I know it hurt you so much, and it hurt me too. I was a stupid, foolish, cowardly excuse of a man to take that back, it was too important to take back, but I was too scared of the truth. And I'm sorry for that." She would never know the longing he suffered to tell her he hadn't forgotten, he loved her more than life itself, but it wasn't the right time. He hated himself everyday, and seeing her crestfallen face after he'd pretended he'd forgotten had been shattering. But he couldn't do that to her, couldn't have a relationship with her when he understood that he could very well break her accidentally, and he had hurt her enough already. His breathing had become erratic without him noticing, brows furrowed with the painful memories. He'd made himself look at her, to show her he hadn't disappeared into a mess of the past and to show her he hadn't finished the conversation.

"You don't know. It's a different kind of hurt. You told me what I had wanted to hear for years, then decided it wasn't important, I wasn't worth it," Her eyes glistened, brimming with tears of anguish and melancholy and confusion, and every other emotion in the book. Her bottom lip trembled, but she took in a deep breath and seemed to force herself to hold it together. She had cried enough in the last few hours.

"That's not it and you know it. Please don't do this. You have every right to but I'm begging you, please, please don't do this. I need you to know what you mean to me, and I thought I needed to hear what I meant to you, but I don't think I'd be able to cope with the answer anymore. I've experienced the deepest types of regret. Don't let yourself experience it too. Don't be like the cold hearted, selfish fool I am and say something or do something you'll regret. Just say whatever's in your heart. Don't think about the consequences, or the future, or all the 'what-if's. Just tell me how you feel. I don't even care if you tell me you hate me, you wish you'd never signed on with me. Because I know that might be true now, but I know for a fact, that wasn't true for a long time. If you didn't care about me, you wouldn't have tried. You wouldn't have tried cheering me up when I was sad, or tried to talk to me when I shut everyone out, tried to connect with me when I broke myself away from anyone who could help me. You wouldn't have tried to help me in anyway possible if you didn't care one little bit. But now that's changed, because I can see how different things were then, and how different they are now. I just need to know how you feel, just like I'm sure you did a few hours ago. Please." He was begging her. His grey eyes haunted her, silently pleading with her. He had taken everything he had in him to tell her how he felt, but she found herself wondering whether he deserved the same. But what would she tell him? Would she give in to her burning desires and confess to loving him, being in love with him, wanting to spend every second of her life with him by her side, or would she do what she had planned; do what she thought was best for the future, the option that most likely had less risks, less heartbreak, and tell him no, she had to move on with a man that loved her, a new leaf, even if it wasn't what she wanted. Over the past few months, she had been battling with herself which option she should pick - desire, or practicality. In the end, she had picked practicality, agreed to move to DC with Marcus, and accepted that she would never get what she truly wanted, but it was the option with less chance of another fracture in her battered heart. And now she had to choose again. If only he hadn't stopped that plane, if only he hadn't poured out his heart to her, she would be halfway on her way to a fresh start, a practical fresh start. But he had, and she had to choose what to say. And she didn't have a clue.

"I don't know what to say Jane. I could say a million and one things but you wouldn't understand any of it, because I don't understand it myself. I have no idea how I'm feeling because there just too much. And it's so confusing. I don't know what to say to anyone, not a damn clue." He let go of a breath he had been holding, bracing himself for whatever she threw at him. His eyes were pinned to the metal table, unsure where to look. It dawned on him that even though he had suddenly realised what he felt, it didn't mean she had. She had other things to consider before making a step like this, no wonder she didn't know what to say.

"Okay. Okay. I'm sorry to put you through this, I really am. I hope you're truly happy with Marcus, he's a good guy, really loves you. You deserve a good guy. But I don't think he deserves a saint like you. I'm sorry. Good luck with everything Teresa," He attempted to stand, but remembering his throbbing ankle, quickly leant on the table for support, making his way to the one-way mirror, ready to signal that his visitor should now leave.

"I...I wasn't finished...I..." Her breathing too became irregular, like she was desperately trying to find something to say, but she couldn't muster up anything. She exhaled and, wearily, gave up. She buried her head in her hands. This whole situation had tired her out and she just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep everything off, and tomorrow morning, it would be forgotten, like a hangover. She couldn't run away anymore, but she didn't know what to say. She looked up at him with big, teary eyes, silently begging him to just wait and sit with her while she quickly rifled through her thoughts to come up with some sort of answer.

"You don't have to say anything. You can punch me if you like, Lord knows I would. You know, on second thoughts, I don't really have to know, I don't think I deserve to know how you feel. I think you should just get out of here, go to DC with Marcus, do all the things you wanted, all the things you dreamed of; fall in love, move away with him, get married, buy a house with a white picket fence, get a dog, maybe even have some kids. You'd make a fantastic mom. Forget your past, please, please forget about me. And be happy. Out of everything I've ever told you, one of the most truthful things was that I really do want you to be happy." Nothing made her realise it as much as what he had just said. Things that very well might happen if she had stayed on that plane, did she want them? Her brow was furrowed, causing that little line he had noticed and commented on all those years ago, the one that appeared when she was thinking too hard. Everything became clear.

"He's not my love. Marcus. As much as I want myself to believe it, he's not,"

He realised where this was going, and as much as he had begged her to say it, he wasn't sure she knew what she was saying, if she would regret saying it later. "Don't do it. No, say it. No, don't. Don't. You'll regret it. I think you should go. I think it's what's best." He tore his eyes from hers, embarrassed at what this had come to.

"I'm not going anywhere. Marcus isn't my love. I'm his but...but he's not mine," She looked him dead in the eye. "You are."

That little line disappeared. For some reason, she was looking anywhere but him, until she realised what she had admitted. She absently smiled. Her heart did a weird flippy thing and she bore her eyes into his, signalling that she meant it, there was no more confusion, that was the hard truth. He was her love. She loved him and he meant it and she was not regretting it.

But he quickly threw his eyes to the ground, a miserable expression on his face. Did he not want her love? Did he wish she had just left when he asked her to? She had finally thought that there was no more confusion, that their feelings were clear as day, but maybe not...

"I'm no one's love. No one could ever love me." Out of all the things he could've said, that was the last thing she wanted to hear. He had spent so much of his life being alone with seemingly no love or deep affection that he could see, maybe he had just wanted her to know that she was loved, that she was cared for. But that didn't make sense. He had begged her to stay, begged her to say something, and when she finally did, he disregarded it. Her confusion turned into anger. Why didn't he understand? Why didn't he accept that he was loved too?

"That's not true. As much as you'd like it to be, it's not. I want you to stop moping around again like you used to, like when you were hunting Red John. You look as if you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders. Now I'm gonna tell you something and I goddamn want you to listen. I love you. I'm in love with you. And I have been for years. And despite all my hesitation, I don't think I'm gonna regret this. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to do all those things with you. Here. No, in California. Like it used to be. I was cruel to lead Marcus on when I'm in love with another guy. But I can't go with him, I can't leave you. I need you. Now you know why I kept trying, why I never let you walk away with your demons. I need you. I want you. I love you. Okay?" He looked hesitant, and she realised that he didn't really mean what he said; he was giving her an escape if she wanted one. But she didn't. He had his finger to his mouth, nibbling at his bitten nails, thinking hard.

"I don't know whether you're making a massive mistake." A mistake by telling him she loved him? She had given it so much thought, she wasn't making a mistake, this was what she wanted.

"I'm not. It took so much strength to hijack a plane and admit to someone you've known for almost 13 years that you love them. I need you to know that I'll use all the strength I have to show you that I feel the same," She was telling him she understood how much it took for him to say that, that she wanted to make him understand too. But he said nothing.

"Aren't you gonna say anything? Maybe this was a mistake..." She could feel those tiny cracks in her heart that would lead to one massive one, and she suddenly felt the need to punch him.

But almost immediately his eyes widened like she had grown a second head.

"No, no! It wasn't. I begged you to tell me how you felt and you have. Thank you. For listening to me. Truly, thank you. And even though you don't think you're gonna regret...what you just said...it doesn't mean you want anything to happen about it. I wouldn't blame you if you still left. I did it to you too many times to count,"

"Like I said, I'm not going anywhere. I can't say it any clearer than this. I want to be with you. I want to go to work every morning, have a lunch break with you like we used to, share an ice cream sundae like we used to, go home with you, like we could do. Like we should do. Don't tell me you love me but don't want to act on it, because I swear Jane, I wouldn't be able to cope. Please. I'm begging you." Her eyes filled up with tears again.

He quickly dismissed it. "No, I want to act on it. I couldn't say something like that and not do anything about it." He wanted to prove to her that he had changed and he wanted her, and her only.

But she still seemed angry.

"Why don't you say what you did? You admitted you loved me. You've told me again and again that it was true. So, am I lying when I say that...you love me?" She looked terrified.

"No. No, you're not. I do love you. I'm in love with you. And you're in love with me." A relieved sigh fell from his lips, and he grinned like an idiot. Gone were those what-if's. Gone was the melancholy and the desperation. The truth was out there and no one was denying it. The grey clouds started to dissipate and the sun was shining through. Lisbon gave a shy smile.

"Yes. Yes. I do love you, and you love me. We're..we're in love..." She looked taken aback at the bare truth.

Another boyish grin spread from ear to ear over Jane's face. He started to chuckle lightly despite the heaviness of the conversation. He was amused by her surprise.

"After all these years, you didn't even wonder about your...dream, your fantasy?"

"Of course I wondered. I'm a girl Jane, of course I wondered. I wondered years and years ago. I wondered when I was 5 years old and my mom asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wondered when I was 13 and I had my first date. I wondered when I got reunited with my brothers after we were put in different care homes. I wondered when I got engaged. I've wondered my whole life. Sometimes I thought I came close to my fantasy, but nothing worked out. My mom was killed, my first date never showed up, my brothers never talk to me, and I left Greg. I guess that one was my fault. It wouldn't have worked out anyway. When I first met you, I wondered what you would mean to me in 10 years time. I never thought that the moment I signed on with you, I'd be acting out my fantasy, and in 12 years time, I'd be sitting on a crappy metal chair in a TSA holding room after we admitted we love each other, wanting to kiss you. I could have walked away from all of that. I could have walked away from you and never had my dream. I'm not letting it go now."

"...you want to kiss me?"

"God, you're such a man. That's all you got?!"

"No. I got everything. I understand everything,"

"You do?"

"Yes. I think."

"Good. Th-that's...that's good. That's all I ever wanted,"

"I know. I'm gonna try to give you all you ever wanted. You gave me everything I needed without knowing it. I'm sorry for taking you for granted for all these years. I won't do it anymore. Coming so close to losing you forced me to imagine what life would be like without you, and I don't like it. I love you,"

"I love you too,"


End file.
